I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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