It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
