I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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