I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
