So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
pop tarts are not kleenex
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Randomize
