So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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