My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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