Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
