Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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