I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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