I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
