Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
