I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
