are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
