I think I died a long time ago.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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