just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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