My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
