Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
