I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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