so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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