do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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