wrigley field is MILF paradise
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
