I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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