put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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