Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
