Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
