My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Randomize
