Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
