This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
