so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
