Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
