I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
