just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
