i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
