My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
