Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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