So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
