I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
