I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
