I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
