Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
