just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
