I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
