He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
