Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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