I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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