we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. š
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
And, by āmake you dinnerā I mean āhave lots of sex and multiple orgasms.ā So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
