i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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