I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
