marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
