Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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