Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm experimenting with sincerity
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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