Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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