You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
