Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Is Oprah even human
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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