Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
they call him Oral-B. enough said
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
