I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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