Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
