I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
