My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
